Ciel's Big Fat Stupid Wedding
by Kirby1249
Summary: And now the decorations…You don't even wanna KNOW about the decorations. Alois wound up with a black eye, Soma with a ripped shirt, and Sebastian with nearly no clothes at all…Let's just leave it at that. Oh, and NO bachelor party despite repeated efforts on Claude's part to make it happen.


**Ciel's Big Fat Stupid Wedding**

By Kirby1249

Ciel Phantomhive was pretty dumb, and if it weren't for Sebastian Michaelis he'd be even dumber. Ciel was so dumb he even thought that getting married to Elizabeth Midford was a good idea. No one else thought it was a good idea. Not Sebastian, not Tanaka, not Finny, not Mey-rin, not Baldroy, not Soma, not Agni, not Alois, and especially not Claude. 's scream was one that could shatter windows. As was her laugh and voice in general. One would have thought that Elizabeth would be the one to throw a fit when it came to the wedding. Everyone thought she would demand the frilliest of dresses, the most delicious of cakes, the cutest of decorations, and the biggest of cathedrals, but this was not true. Ciel was the problematic partner.

It started with the tuxedos…

"You look ugly!" Ciel shouted at his groomsman, pouting in a chair. "Go put those suits back! All of you! Wait, no…Sebastian go put the suits back for everyone! You're the best man, so you do it!" With a fake smile Sebastian carried out the order, as Soma asked, "What was wrong with those suits?"

Ciel looked like he was going to explode in his chair, "Pinstriped suits? This is a wedding not a mafia convention!" Ciel proceeded to shout across the store, "Hurry up Sebastian! What am I paying you for? You're a terrible butler!"

As soon as Sebastian returned Ciel turned up his nose at the suits he brought with him, "You took too long. I don't want them anymore."

"But, sir." Sebastian said. But to his dismay Ciel cut him off, "Just go get the pinstriped suits again. The wedding will just be one big circus freak show!"

Of course after Sebastian brought back the pinstriped suits Ciel threw water at Sebastian in a rage, angry that the butler would go alone with a circus freak show wedding. The groomsmen were forced to suffer through 27 more outfit changes and outbursts, and all of them hung their heads in shame when Ciel picked a fight with the store's owner. Ciel demanded that he deserve all of the things at a super discounted price because of all the pain and suffering his eyes were subjected to from looking at tacky suits. Also because he was Ciel freakin' Phantomhive.

After the suits came the cake…

Sebastian was in the kitchen minding his own business whipping up the overly detailed cake Ciel had demanded. It wasn't an easy task because of the forty hastily drawn crayon sketches that Ciel had drawn for the demon butler to work off of were all completely different. Masterfully, Sebastian had been able to merge the sketches into one semi-decent looking cake-which was hard with the terrible drawings. All seemed to be going well until Ciel came in to check on the butler's progress.

Sebastian bowed, "Young Master, I have finished the cake."

"You're not finished until I say you're finished. Let me see the cake." Sebastian moved out of the way to show his young master the cake. Ciel glared at it.

"What flavor is it?"

"Chocolate, just as your sketches asked."

"Chocolate." Ciel said flatly. "_CHOCOLATE?_" In a blind rage, Ciel smashed his hand into the top of the cake, "I asked for vanilla!"

Sebastian blinked, knowing this wasn't true, and bit his lip.

"I WANT MY CHOCOLATE CAKE!" Ciel exclaimed, picking up the dessert and throwing it over his head. Doing his best to refrain from stabbing the child, Sebastian coolly replied, "That _was _a chocolate cake, sir."

Ciel stared at his butler, and then at the cake, and then at his butler, and then at the cake again, realizing Sebastian was right.

"Oh," Ciel said, and instead of offering an apology he finished with, "Clean that up, and make another cake. This time make the chocolate more obvious."

And now the decorations…You don't even wanna _KNOW _about the decorations. Alois wound up with a black eye, Soma with a ripped shirt, and Sebastian with nearly no clothes at all…Let's just leave it at that. Oh, and NO bachelor party despite repeated efforts on Claude's part to make it happen.

And finally…The cathedral.

The biggest cathedral was already in use by another wedding part at the exact time that Ciel demanded it for himself. Ciel refused to except anything else, and berated Sebastian for not making the arrangements before the other couple. Ciel needed at least seventeen more chocolate cakes until his groomsmen could persuade him to just have the wedding at his house. The groomsmens' efforts only lasted so long, though…Before Ciel hatched an idea.

"Sebastian," Ciel barked, " Go murder the other couple. I want that cathedral!" Before Sebastian could reply, Ciel quickly added, "Wait, I changed my mind I'm being silly. I _order_ you to go kill that couple."

With a sigh, Sebastian turned to leave and do the deed, but then he noticed something out of the ordinary.

"Wait a minute…" Sebastian said, "Where's Claude gone off to?" The entire room instantly figured it out, and the already horrified groomsmen backed away from the raging groom.

"Ohhhhh no." Ciel cried, "I told _you_ to go do that, Sebastian! If Claude kills that couple there isn't going to be a wedding!" In the corner, Alois shrieked, "For the love of god, _wwwhhhyyy_?!"

"Because. I. Said. So." Ciel replied, folding his arms in protest. Just as Ciel's head looked like it was going to explode, his bride-to-be came running down the stairs.

"_CIIIIEEEEEEEELLLLLLL~!"_

And all the windows shattered.

As he wiped all the blood from his ears, Sebastian had an idea of his own.

"I'm off to carry on your order, Young Master~!" Sebastian said cheerfully. He threw the door open in a dramatic display, and darted outside, and once he was far enough away from the Phantomhive manor he hid in a bush outside, and pet cats. Sebastian smirked when he saw Claude unknowingly pass the butler by. Claude had done the deed, and killed the couple for Ciel.

And so there was no wedding because Ciel said so.


End file.
